Round Two

"WE ALL HAVE INSECURITIES... They piggyback on the vulnerability inherent in our humanity. The question is whether or not our insecurities are substantial enough to hurt, limit, or even distract us from profound effectiveness or fulfillment of purpose."

Yes, here I am-- going through Beth Moore's book- So Long Insecurity for the 2nd time. Let me just tell you about the first time I picked up this book randomly at Barnes and Noble. You see, I had a hair crisis... Never in my life has this happened to me. But it did.. and that one little thing... brought out some deep issues in my heart and in my soul that I was clueless about.

For the last 5 years that I've been at Bethel, I have fully embraced Pastor Bill's word about "No naval gazing"... I refuse to go inward and search for what is the matter with me-- it is depressing. But when Holy Spirit brings things up for me to work on (and let me tell you HE DOES)I am game. Because I know that if I ignore it, I will go around the circle repeating things until I decide to let Him help me fix it.

So I found myself at Barnes and Noble- in the Christian book section- frustrated and yelling HELP ME on the inside. Fully feeling insecurity dominating my emotions... I mean, I was so insecure that I was feeling insecure about my insecurity. POP- saw a title... So Long Insecurity- You've Been A Bad Friend To Us. I bought this book and took a chapter every morning. This book completely changed my life. I am not kidding... FULLY changed me.

And so I thought I was through with all insecurity and about a month ago- POP- something happened and here I am going through it again, but in a different area of my life. Let me just tell you, I am going to beat the crap out of insecurity... and fight until it's not a part of me any longer.

So... as I was reading through chapter 2 this morning, I thought I would share some of what Beth says in my journey of re-reading this book. Thus the blog re routing.

Here's what I got the most out of chapter 2.. I have a strong desire to make amends when I think I've done something wrong. I have a strong desire to make amends even when I haven't done something wrong! I dread the backlash of people. Having someone upset with me is very unsettling even if I was on the right side of the conflict. Beth says, Loss of favor and approval and harmony is excruciating for people with insecurity. THAT IS ME and I fully admit it ha. I am excited that as I am reading this book, different things are hitting me than what hit me last time...

More later from Chapter 3... Thanks for letting me vulnerable and real and adventurous with you...

xoxo

70

Words.....
Do I have any right now? I am not sure. The days that I am completely creatively expressive are the days that I have no desire to write... The days when I am not expressive at all, are the days that I want to write.... .... .... . .... .... . . . .... ....

I asked Jesus this morning if we ever come out of a place of learning life's lessons for awhile... When you reach a certain age-- let's say 70, do you get a one year break?? After all, 70 has to stand for something good--- I know the number 7 is completion... Jesus rested after 7 days-- so for a whole year, you learn no life lessons...
Would that be a year of boredom, or a year of delight? Can anyone answer this question? Probably not...

Definition of motivation: "the internal condition that activates behavior and gives it direction; and energizes and directs goal-oriented behavior. ..." I could use more of this today....

I am an ever increasing spirit who is not of this world.... Ever increasing... Not staying in one place. :) Praise the Lord.
For my heart has much to say, but it is not letting me put words on feeling for now...
Again soon, I am sure.....

Tied

Tie me to you God.
This is the only thing that my soul is saying in my season- whatever season this is...
It was given to me in impartation and now it's the only thing I am saying/feeling.
Numbness is okay when He says it's okay.
I know I am okay with Him...
& He is more than okay with me.
I am just happy that He knows me, and loves me in my seasons.
Season of rest, I think.
I don't know if it's begun yet.... but I know it will soon.
I am truly and deeply loved.

Rita Springer
"You Are My Hallelujah"

If this valley and these shadows stay. If broken wings can bring you praise. A promise made but never came.... can show me your unfailing grace, can light the dark and find my way.
If ground and grave can steal my heart... Yet when you save a new song starts... And just Your Name can move me near, can change my hope, cast out my fear... I need more of your breathe here.
You are my Hallelujah.
You are my Hallelujah.
When silence falls and then remains. When worn and bruised I still can raise my voice to make you famous still. All of these tears upon your feet become the wine you taste of me.
You are my Hallelujah
You are my Hallelujah
You are my Vindication.
You are my Salvation.
You are my Consultation.
You are my Hallelujah.
You are my Yes and Amen.

So good!! This song speaks to my soul... I love the line- "Just Your Name can move me near, can change my hope, cast out my fear. I need more of your breathe here."
This is so the cry of my heart right now... I need more of His breathe here. I can't go on without Him. I can't have a day without Him here, right near me... He is all I want. Literally.... This is where I am today... Just needing His touch- His peace- His Name breathing in me. I love it.

He who touches Israel

"He who touches Israel touches the apple of His eye. He who touches Israel touches the passion of His heart."
For the last 3 nights, in the early morning, I have been waking up with that song in my head. It is on the new Julie Meyer Cd. I don't go to bed thinking about it or listening to it. Finally, this morning when I woke up with those words again, I knew that the Lord was up to something.
I made my coffee, sat on the couch by the fire and started reading the Word... and spending time with the Lord. I started to journal and wrote those words...
I heard the Lord say that I had been interceding for Israel for the past 3 nights in my sleep. I think that is so amazing, because I know some of what is going on there with the Gaza strip, ect... but I asked the Lord to use me and give me His heart for Israel.... and I started to feel His passion...
He is sooo much fun!!
I just love being on this adventure with Him... :)

Random

So, I created this blog because I got an e-mail the other day from a dear friend who proposed a question to me...
"If you had a blog to 10,000 people... what would you write?"
This is my beginning of my own adventure...
I love to write. It makes me come alive inside. There is something about words that is very intriguing to me. With words, you can never write enough to describe what you are actually feeling or experiencing... so writing for me is almost like a game.
Who am I?
I am Camille, I am dearly loved.... I am daughter and a lover... I have 4 sisters, 1 brother and a niece.
I live in Redding, California. . .
I work for Beni Johnson at Bethel Church.
Love my job a lot.
Love my life.
Love to laugh.
Love my family.
Love my friends...
Really love Jesus.. :)
.....And so it begins.